I always knew I wanted to be a mommy.
Then, somewhere between junior and senior year of high school, ย I decided I would become a teacher. (Like Totally!) As I worked through my undergraduate program, I realized that teaching was my passion and that I was actually pretty good at it. ๐ Turned out that years of bossy around my younger sisters payed off!
So, when I found myself pregnant in my 5th year of teaching I just KNEW my life would be PERFECT!
Teaching and motherhood, my dream and my passion, would work in Perfect Harmony.
I would spend my days inspiring ย Americaโs youth with engaging and rigorous lesson plans and nights grooming my offspring into the model studentโฆ Yeahโฆ teacher fairy dust was going to be magically sprinkled onto everything I did. I was going to not only inspire my classroom, but also my own children. I mean, just the sheer numbers told me things were going to be perfect. Women dominate about 80% of my field and just as many are probably mothers. If they were rockinโ it, then so could I!
In perfect harmonyโฆ
But as my belly started growing, my love for teaching started to wainโฆ
The idea of changing lives AND changing diapers didnโt seem so appealing. It started to feel selfish...
How could I leave my innocent newborn baby in the arms of a stranger while I pursued my passions? ย I began dreaming of becoming that fabled SAHMโฆย
Oh the mommy guilt plagued me even before I had a chance to hold my son in my arms.
So, when that 7 lbs 8 oz ball of fiery was born, I was smitten.ย
I was basking in the glow of new motherhood. Exhausted. Exhilarated. Complete. I fell in love with first baby coos, tummy time, and soft arm rolls. Oh how, I LOVE soft arm rolls! But, instead of dreaming of staying home with my baby, I was looking forward to seeing my other 18 kidsโฆ
In perfect harmonyโฆ
Iโm not sure if it was the loneliness of spending my days and nights with a tiny human who couldnโt talk. Or the delirium that comes with spending way too many hours with a b-pumpโฆ But as my maternity leave progressed onโฆ I was ready to go back to school. I missed school. The routine of school, the certainty of school. I missed teaching ย so much that I even started this little blog! ย
And so I triumphantly returned and just KNEW that Iโd go right back to being the most awesome-est teacher there ever wasโฆ
Exceptโฆ teaching was kinda hardโฆ actually ALOTTA hard!
I struggled with just the easy day to day teacher duties, like checking papers and setting up centers. My once clear, crisp, sharp mind teacher mindย had somehow given way to a mushy gushy mommy brain. ย
I couldnโt find enough energy to do the little things, let alone the fun things I used to do like classbooks, end of year performances, and class CDโs. I felt messy and disorganized. Follow through seemed like a joke. My poor kids! The teacher guilt consumed me.ย
In perfect harmonyโฆ
I figured Iโd return to my full state of awesome once the baby was finally sleeping through the night and I wasnโt preoccupied with the number of pumping sessions I needed. But as that first year progressed, things still didnโt get easier. Old issues (pumping and midnight feedings! Ph-uh!) were replaced with new stressors like mobility and Common Core. ย
After a lonnnggg day of teaching (were school days always that long?) Iโd rush home to get some baby snuggles and mash up a dinner of leftovers and some sort of microwavable food product. Then return to a disorganized classroom the next day, as an educator who was more ready for nap time then actual math time. This whole teaching and being a mommy thing almost seemedโฆ unmanageable.ย
In not-so-perfect harmonyโฆ
Wellโฆ here I am, 2 years later and no closer to finding the perfect union I was just so sure I would make between motherhood and teacherhood. It is a daily balancing act. I get asked all the time, โHow do you do it all!?โ The honest answer:ย
I donโtโฆย
There are days where I am an amazing teacher with super engaging lessons and a flourishing classroom. ย But those are the days where my kid is the last one being picked up in the afternoon. And then there are the days where too many worksheets dot my lesson plans for my taste, but I am busy planning that fantastic 2 year oldโs birthday party. ย Sometimes you just have to divide and conquer. Accept that you canโt be amazing at all things at onceโฆ My organizational system in my classroom has become even more important now that I have to split my brainpower.ย
Ohโฆ but that mommy/teacher guilt is always there!
Perfect example:ย
At about 3 am this past Friday, my son awoke with a bloody curdling scream. A quick check with the thermometer confirmed my fever suspicions. ย No daycare for this sick kid. But, waitโฆ this wasnโt any ordinary Friday. This was Friday, February the 13th, Friday. The Friday before Valentineโs Day Friday.ย
With heavy heart, and a toddler destroying my classroom, I set up for the sub. My kiddos lined up outside the classroom, hands full of Valentineโs day goodies and faces full of snaggled tooth grins. But as I announced that I would not be in that day (ME: their school mommy!) Disappointment washed over the room. To make matters worseโฆ a sub hadnโt picked up the job. I was neck deep in a #teachermommy guilt cesspool. Pulled between the two worlds I love.ย
And letโs not forget that mushy gushy mom brain (which pairs so well with that mushy gushy mom tummy)! I may not remember if the shirt I have on is actually clean, or if the classroom jobs chart has been updated this week, but my goodnessโฆ it has certainly heightened my sense for student needs. I have like a 6th sense of what students need from me now. It isnโt just about the academics like small group intervention and enrichment, but making sure the whole child is nurtured. It was like I had superpowers!ย
And there is plenty of teacher dustโฆ it just happens to be the kind that covers my furniture when Iโm working on being an amazing mommy instead of an amazing housewifeโฆย
My lesson learnedโฆ that somewhere between motherhood and teacherhood, I found crazy and never dull happiness. And instead of obsessing over aย Perfect Harmony, I thank God that he thought me fit to be a ย #teachermommy